What's A Parent To Do?

Many parents search for common sense parenting suggestions.  I recently heard Dr. Michele Borba (http://www.micheleborba.com) speak about raising kids who have empathy, conscience, and self-control.  These three attributes comprise a moral core.

Empathy is identifying with and feeling other people’s concerns and requires that one “walk in another’s shoes.”  Dr. Borba identifies three ingredients:

1.       Unconditional love and acceptance which develops real self-esteem (I love you and like you for what you are now.)

2.       Reachable expectations, less-permissive environment where kids will nag but parents will still say no.

3.       Respectful and democratic environment where parents to listen more.  This listening requires fair and consistent rules: get eyeball level; establish and maintain eye contact; respond with positive acceptance (nods, smiles, positive comments).

This balance nurture and structure requires that parents stretch kids whenever possible with caring discipline to develop empathy:

·         Call out uncaring attitude on the spot

·         Ask – helpful or harmful

·         Reflect on feelings

·         Express disapproval

Conscience is knowing the right and decent way to act and choosing to act that way.  Three traits are related to conscience: compassion, honesty, persistence.  Values such as these are gained through repetition.  Dr. Borba provides T.E.A.C.H. Conscience Builder.

·         T – Target Values  (Parents should the trait they value most.)

·         E – Be An Example  (Show not tell; kids come equipped as video cameras.)

·         A – Accentuate naturally

·         C – Catch the kid doing it and always use the “language of virtue” – because it is the right way to live/treat others.

·         H – Highlight why “In this house we finish what we start.”

Self-control comes from having the skills to regulate your thoughts and actions.  Dr. Borba recommends that parents, and teachers, look for kids’ flash points – what are the physical signs (flushed cheeks, clenched fists) – and teach relaxers.  Families and individuals need techniques.  Each technique needs to be practiced for 0ne minute for 21 days.  Common ones are chill/relax through very deep breathes or the “stop light” popular with younger kids (red: say calm down; yellow: take twelve deep breathes; green: count to ten).

Dr. Borba operates from the philosophy of “strength focus” where one earns and deserves.  To accomplish this she provides a simple plan:

1.       Target one to two desirable qualities (virtues, assets, talents or behaviors) every month to replace one’s “old image of self.”

2.       Praise quality and be specific – “You are so cooperative because you ---“

3.       Cultivate the quality – plan activities to “show off the strength.”

4.       Continue at least 21 days until the child can verbalize the desired quality and the child’s performance of that quality.

Dr. Borba asks parents and teachers to make that 21 day promise or commitment and to remain focused on the desirable attribute.  Selecting the attribute requires that we ask “What is the single most important thing I can try?”  Experience with adolescents suggests that they should help select the attribute to cultivate; they might also be helpful in determining a trait their parent s could practice to improve family relations.  Younger children can also discuss traits to be fostered.  Dr. Borba’s website is a wealth of information to support parents and teachers.  She draws from her experiences as both, a perceptive mind and available research. 

Comments

[Catalin]

Good words.